Wow how things can change in an instant! 2 weeks ago I sent an email saying how happy I was to be home & excited to be hosting my first retreat.
Unbeknown to me after dodging the COVID bullet it finally caught up & floored me & so I had to cancel my retreat.
After the months of planning, as well as the financial implications to say I was devastated was an understatement & confined to my room I went to a really low place physically, mentally, emotionally & energetically.
I was faced with my shadows questioning why it happened, why me, who am I? I felt completely lost & alone.
However I don't believe it was just bad luck. I believe as cliché as it sounds everything does happen for a reason, but unfortunately my lessons to learned weren't finished there as I stupidly got scammed out a large amount of money last week to top things off!
Oh have I paid back some karmic debt these past few weeks lol!
I write this to bare my soul to you to show you that it's okay to feel what you feel & that we don't have to pretend that everything is all rosy or be looking on the bright or positive side all the time as this type of spiritual bypassing doesn't do us any favours or justice.
Instead when we can allow ourselves to go into what we are feeling & acknowledge the uncomfortable parts of ourselves that we often suppress we allow the process of healing to begin so that we can move past it & truly release what holds us back in life.
So I have been wallowing in self pity, self-doubt, anger, sadness you name it I have felt every emotion, but as I slowly remerge I realise I entered into a death portal not literally, but there's parts of me & my ego that have died in order for me to rewrite my script.
I am choosing to rise stronger than before. I am not who I used to be. I won't give up.
I am not the old version of me who would normally say that's just my luck, there's another reason just to give up on my dreams & the narrative that keeps me stuck in old patterns of behaviour & limiting beliefs.
Instead I remind myself that I have the choice to use the darkness in my life as my medicine to get better, stronger & return home to my truth.
I choose not to contract & close but to go into my shadows, trusting the light will return. That this to shall pass.
I choose not to BECOME a new version of myself but to continue this journey of RETURNING back to who I was before all the story's, hurt, pain, labels, judgements etc became my truth.
Every heartache gives us the opportunity to come home.
Instead of closing my heart I choose to open it more & be vulnerable.
I choose to surrender & let go to the possibilities of what's next.
I choose to trust & have faith that this is the way back to the light in my heart.
I choose to connect deeper to my SELF & life.
Instead of looking outwards I choose to go to the knowledge within me.
I have spent everyday meditating & took myself away from my phone & external vices looking for the guidance in it all.
A few lessons I have learned are to listen to the inner voice, to feel into my intuition & what it's showing me.
Another is to switch off from what everyone else is doing, focus on me & rest more.
In hindsight there have been so many signs over the past few months that I choose not to listen to. But in the end I was forced to see my truth and where I'm out of alignment.
And so my next chapter begins.
Life as we know it can change in an instant, so make the most of the present moment because nothing else is ever guaranteed!
Sending lots of love to any of you going through your own struggles. You've got this🧡